Finding Connection in a Lonely World

“Where are the people?” resumed the little prince at last. “It’s a little lonely in the desert…” 
“It is lonely when you’re among people, too,” said the snake.
— Antoine de Saint-Exupéry, The Little Prince

Several years ago, before Covid and the long, long lockdown, I met regularly with a teenager for counseling. We primarily focused on school-related issues, like how to get organized, improve study habits, and prepare for tests. She was making big academic gains and getting good grades, and I told her how proud of herself she should be. But in the middle of what I thought was a positive discussion, she blurted out, “Really, who cares how I am doing in school? I just want to have a friend. I am so lonely.”

It was a real eye-opener, and I shifted the focus of our counseling sessions. Loneliness can be painful in ways that only the lonely can understand. However, it also affects family, friends, and anyone who cares about them, for loneliness can have long-term consequences if it is not addressed.

Sometimes Loneliness is Perfectly Normal—But Chronic Loneliness Isn’t 

Feeling a little lonely from time to time is normal, and it is an important and potentially positive sign. It signals the very human desire to have more meaningful connections and that we need to make more of an effort to communicate with the people who matter to us, ideally in person but at minimum by phone, text, or email. Occasional loneliness can be a welcome wake-up call: a message to get out of your bedroom, your basement, or from behind the computer and share real experiences with real people. That occasional feeling, however, is quite different from the chronic loneliness my young client was experiencing. She had been feeling this way for a long time, and she had no idea where to begin.

Understanding Chronic Loneliness

In 2023, Vivek Murthy—the U.S. Surgeon General under Presidents Barack Obama and Joe Biden—identified loneliness as a serious problem nationwide, explaining that it is “not just a bad feeling.” Indeed, it’s a concern that poses a significant risk to both mental and physical health in individuals and society at large. He described it as “a subjective distressing experience that results from perceived isolation or inadequate meaningful connections, where inadequate refers to the discrepancy or unmet need between an individual’s preferred and actual experience.”

“Preferred” is the operative word. People have differing needs for companionship. Some require few and only occasional contact with family, friends, and colleagues, and they do not experience their solitude as disturbing even if they have few social experiences. Others require a great deal more contact, including frequent in-person encounters and more physical closeness to feel their best. For them, sporadic social engagements are simply not enough to “fill up their cup,” and these yearnings can become distressing and burdensome over time.

“What should young people do with their lives today? Many things, obviously. But the most daring thing is to create stable communities in which the terrible disease of loneliness can be cured.” 
― Kurt Vonnegut, Palm Sunday: An Autobiographical Collage

Recent research helps quantify just how widespread this problem has become. Harvard’s Making Caring Common (MCC) project put out a major report, Loneliness in America: Just the Tip of the Iceberg? Some of the important findings include: 

• People 30–44 years of age were the loneliest group, with 29% reporting they were frequently or always lonely. 
• 24% of 18–29 year olds and 20% of those 45–64 reported feeling frequently or always lonely. 
• In contrast, only about 10% of those older than 65 said they were frequently or always lonely. Though the study doesn’t specify why, one reason could be that this age group is more likely to phone friends and relatives, write letters, volunteer their time to help others, and join groups. On the other hand, some other studies indicate higher degrees of loneliness among older adults.

So, what's driving this widespread loneliness? We can speculate about its many causes, including the long-term effects of Covid, the prevalence of social media, and the attitude that we must toughen up and “go it alone.” Murthy pointed out that, although many people grew lonelier during the pandemic, “about half of American adults had already reported experiences of loneliness even before the outbreak.” But loneliness isn't simply about isolation. You don’t have to be physically alone to feel lonely. Being among people, sometimes many people, can bring on feelings of loneliness if you have little in common or are feeling undervalued, unheard, or disconnected.

Loneliness Has Health Risks

Chronic loneliness not only detracts from enjoyment of life; it is also unhealthy. Many chronically lonely people experience breakdowns in their mental health as well as their physical health, including: 

• high blood pressure,
• depression and anxiety, 
• sleep disruptions,
• eating problems, 
• increased drug and alcohol use,
• and even suicide.

It is debatable whether physical and mental health conditions are caused by loneliness, but they are certainly exacerbated by it. For example, a student who has learning difficulties or a speech impediment may become more frequently ill, school-avoidant, or more distressed—maybe even depressed—if they have no real friends who can encourage them and serve as a buffer against the negativity they face each day, such as bullying and teasing. Without support from friends or family members, an individual with a chronic illness may be less likely to follow their doctor’s orders, take regular medication, or stick to a special diet.

Older people and those with disabilities, especially if they live alone, are far more susceptible to clinical depression, anxiety, and physical illness if nobody visits or even checks in on them regularly. Loneliness does not play favorites. It affects every demographic—although not surprisingly, people who are in higher socioeconomic categories tend to report less loneliness than those who have more socioeconomic hardships.

The Internet is Not Necessarily the Answer

More and more, loneliness is one factor that is driving people, especially children and adolescents, to the internet. It is there they seek, and often find, connection with groups of like-minded people and those who share hobbies and interests. That is generally a positive and prosocial use of technology. But it can also lead them to dark places—to harmful, inaccurate ideas and bizarre practices; to racist and sexist groups; and to wild conspiracy theories. Furthermore, if they access websites (easy to do) that use AI extensively, they may be convinced they are building real relationships when, in fact, there is no human behind the words and images on the screen. 

What You Can Do About Loneliness

Loneliness is not a character flaw. It is not a moral failing. And yet people who feel lonely often blame themselves, thinking they are inadequate, unlikable, or did something wrong. Those thoughts may contribute to increased isolation, and hence, increased loneliness. It’s the proverbial vicious cycle. But loneliness is something we can address, both for ourselves and for others.

In this individualistic and competitive world, what can we do as individuals to address it? I offer you some suggestions.

If you are lonely…

1. Find a tribe. It doesn’t mean you have to make a major commitment or swear an oath to a group or leader. Come and go as you please. If you have always wanted to learn to tap dance, find a dance class and try it. Do you love science fiction books or movies? Maybe there is a special interest group near you, or you can find one online. It is a way to get started, meet people, and connect over a common interest. Just try it once, and then decide.
2. Find someone or something who needs you. Volunteer at an animal shelter (Careful! You might come home with several kittens and a ferret!), the local senior center, or a children’s hospital. You may be surprised how much a brief human encounter, even with a total stranger, can warm your heart and bring a sense of purpose and meaning.
3. Strike up a conversation with someone you don’t know in a safe place, such as at a familiar neighborhood coffee shop, at the library, or in line at the grocery store. They may not become your best friend, but even a quick exchange can elevate your mood and outlook. And, you might make someone’s day!
4. Make an effort to chat with your neighbors or call an old friend. Get involved in your community. Consider a local government initiative or a shared cause, like advocating for more accessible sidewalks or cleaning up a neighborhood park.  
5. If you work from home, spend some of your work hours at the library or a coffee shop, just to get out and be among people.  You might even meet someone in the same boat! 

Finally, don’t hesitate to seek out mental health support or counseling, in-person or virtually. You are not alone. You really are not alone.

If you know someone who is lonely or you think might be lonely…

1. Suggest coffee or a walk in the neighborhood. It might feel awkward, especially if you don’t know them very well. On the other hand, contributing to someone’s happiness or feeling of belonging is a tremendous motivator.
2. Invite a friend—even if you haven’t seen them for a long time—to a play, a movie, your book group or a potluck. Or offer to come over and just hang out. Call, text, or email. Let them know you want to rekindle the friendship.
3. Ask others for help or advice, even just to borrow something. That’s right. People feel valued when they are needed and able to contribute. Have you been admiring their garden? Ask for advice on what to plant next year. Are you thinking about switching veterinarians? Strike up a conversation with that quiet guy at the dog park who is always alone.
4. If you are concerned about a friend or relative who does not live nearby, be sure to call, text, or email more often than you might think is necessary. Let them know you are there and that you care.

There is no sure cure for loneliness, and every individual has different social requirements. The key is to become more self-aware and observant, to tune into your own and others’ needs, and to take just one small step to make the world a little less lonely. Like my young high school client reminded me, who cares how you are doing in English class if you don’t have a friend?

If you or someone you know is experiencing a mental health crisis or needs immediate support, help is available by calling or texting 988, the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline, anytime.

The views and opinions expressed here are solely those of the author and should not be attributed to Counslr, Inc., its partners, its employees, or any other mental health professionals Counslr employs. You should review this information and any questions regarding your specific circumstances with a medical professional. The content provided here is for informational and educational purposes only and should not be construed as counseling, therapy, or professional medical advice.